Differences between Pre-Miscarriage and Post Miscarriage Pregnancies

IMG_1191

i do not think you fully understand the differences between pregnancy before a miscarriage and pregnancy after a miscarriage until you really experience the whole pregnancy. you can assume that you’d have some of the basic fears of losing the baby again, but, if you are like me, you don’t expect it to last the entire pregnancy. i thought once we got to the “safe point” (about 12 weeks) I’d feel great. no. not true at all.

with parker, we had many scares. we had a doctor that assumed i had a disease that i did not have and told us i may not make it to twelve weeks. that fear was nothing compared to this. they found a foci on his heart and we had to get another ultrasound focusing on his heart. i started dilating very early too. my sister had a baby at thirty-one weeks and another at thirty-three and i feared the same with us.

but that is all nothing. maybe i have forgotten the fear because he was born healthy and happy.

the first fifteen weeks of this pregnancy were hell. not only was i sick, but i was going insane between appointments. i wanted to go to the doctor every day just to hear the heartbeat. i got lucky though, i got to SEE our baby move very early. those kicks are the most reassuring.

waiting for the eighteen week ultrasound felt like a life time. would they find an issue? would our dream crash again? it all sounds so dramatic, doesn’t it? i know i am not alone. i know that other women have been here and felt this. there is some comfort in knowing that, though i wish no one knew the pain. but we are never truly alone.

it did get easier. the more the wiggles came, the less my stress was. it felt great. the only difference was kick counting. they recommend it once in the morning, once at night. lay on your side, count the kicks. you need a certain amount in one hour to be considered normal.

i did it hourly. every hour of every day, i’d lay on my side and count my kicks. if i was out, i would sit with my hand on my belly, a bit disconnected from what was going on. if all kicks occurred in the first 15 minutes, great! i had 45 minutes until i had to do it again. sometimes, it took the whole hour. it was a very obsessive compulsive thing to do, but i found it so necessary and it helped soothe me.

these kick counts were detrimental though. i’d wake up at 12 am and count. sleep until 2 am and count. up again at 3:30 and count. i was up all hours of the night, counting and counting.

my toddler would wait patiently, but patience is not a toddlers forte. some days, he’d cuddle up and love it. other days, he’d be pulling me up and i’d get anxiety about the kicks. never really able to enjoy myself.

i had to let go. i had to trust God’s plan. this obsession was controlling me. i had to sit and tell myself that what happens will happen and i have no control. what would happen if i did not get my goal kick amount? of course i’d go to the emergency room, but, was there anything else to do? doctors don’t even have control.

i had to have faith. it is so difficult to focus on when in an upsetting situation, but it can change how you see everything. i have to put everything in HIS hands and trust HIM.

if you have experienced a miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy, how did you cope? what helped make the stress and anxiety easier? 

on the day you would have been born.

on the day you would have been born, i missed you.

i craved you in my arms, tiny baby that was never bigger than a blueberry.

i wondered if you would have had hair or if you would have been bald like your big brother.

would we be celebrating with pink or blue?

would we have struggled with a name? or would we already have it all picked out for your arrival?

today, i am wondering if this will forever be an anniversary or will this day come and go in the future? will your due date hit me hard forever?

on the day you would have been born, your little sibling is almost 33 weeks, nice and cozy in mama’s belly. your older brother is so in love.

my little blueberry, you are a blessing. you came, you took lots of your mama’s love, and you left us. something was wrong, you were too sick to make it earth side and your tiny spirit made room for your little sibling that we will be meeting soon. I do believe you have a spirit, despite only being eight weeks. you had fingers and toes. you had facial features. at one point, your heart was beating.

on the day you would have been born, i mourn what could have been, but i am thankful for what will be. i am thankful for the almost five weeks we celebrated and knew about you.

it is a hard day, but a day that is met with happiness. soon, your little baby brother or sister will be here because YOU made it happen.

love you, forever, my sweet baby. miss you always.

announcing a new addition

when it came to announcing a new little one, we waited. i was eighteen weeks before we finally told everyone. why? fear. fear of another loss. fear of disappointing people (i couldn’t face my nieces again). fear of having to explain. eighteen weeks seemed very safe for us. we were thrilled and we were bursting to tell all of our friends and family, but we just waited a little longer than the norm.

when trying to decide how to announce, i wanted something simple, but almost fairy-esque. like fairies should be frolicking around us. i know that is totally odd, but this baby was magical. we found out exactly one month after losing our sweet blueberry and hearts were cracked. but this news, it was magic. it was fate. it was exactly what God had wanted for us and the news was given to us on what would have been a terrible day.

we called our favorite photographer and i got to work on the very simple background. i used the “baby” letters i whipped up in less than an hour for eric’s surprise and bought a ton of ikea’s sheer curtains. just attached them to a photo backdrop and viola! a fun backdrop. the location i chose was muddy, mesquito-y, and parker was mega grumps, but we still managed to get a few photos!

Isn’t he a handsome dude?

Here you are, my sweet friends, our family in the outtakes and  a very big stick that kept a toddler happy.

Always running. 

That stick. 

from three to four (and one in our hearts)…

I am so late in writing this! New Years Resolution is to get better at this. Maybe change it up a bit, add some fun stuff? Who knows. Let’s see what the new year brings us.

As everyone already knows, I am very excited to announce that another little Fitz will be joining this family at the end of March. It almost seemed unreal, the whole experience. To lose a baby and, exactly one month later, find out you are expecting again, it doesn’t feel like real life. We can only sum it up to, God is good.

I never had a cycle between the miscarriage and the pregnancy, so I had no idea where to start. I took an ovulation test daily, but never got my hopes up because when I found out I was pregnant with Parker, I never had a positive one. This time around, I actually got a positive one. Then, when I estimated I should start my cycle, I started testing like a crazy person. I can’t take those tests that are just lines. I need one that tells me that I am pregnant or not, my poor husband probably hated the test expense! Oh well, he loves why we are doing it, so it doesn’t matter at the end of the day.

This time around, I decided to surprise Eric. I have found out so early the past two pregnancies and this one was no different. So, if I took a test in the AM, it was positive, but my PM test would be negative. So I sent him a photo of the negative one. Mean? Maybe. But it made the surprise so much better. I went with an 80’s prom theme and decorated the entrance of the house. I even unplugged the garage door so he had to go to the front, ha ha! Poor guy. I bet sometimes he just sits and thinks “what did i get myself into marrying this lady?!” but we are pretty lucky to have each other. with overly pink and blue  and gold decor, this man walked in to justin bieber’s ‘baby’ song blasting and parker and i were dancing for him.

it was fun to surprise eric. i feel like he never gets surprises and that he really deserved this one. such happy news and such happy delivery of the news. this husband of mine definitely deserves it. we love you so, eric keith! i cannot tell you how blessed we feel to have this sweet baby trusted to our little family. from the moment we found out about you, we loved you. we prayed for you. we cannot wait to meet you, sweet little one.

miscarriage… two months later.

shortly before my miscarriage, i bought this perfect rattle for little baby fitz. i have a deep love for the state of arizona. it is my home and always will be. i will never leave this state! it is only fitting that i instill this in my babies from day one so they never leave me. they can go to asu and find a career here, then start a family right down the road from me. i received it in the mail a few days after the loss. i just opened it and cried. it is an odd feeling having something so small and meant for happiness, crush you like you are nothing.

i still feel overwhelmed sometimes. people have already forgotten, parker will never truly know, but it still hits me hard. i am good though. i am happy! i just have those moments. it is a mama thing. while this affects everyone that you are close to, it does not affect any one like  the one going through it. you are the only one that knew the baby. maybe i was never able to feel his/her kicks, but the baby had me craving sweets and the baby made me need to nap when parker napped. i was just so tired! and i will remember that. it was the opposite of parker. parker had me craving beef. any form. just give me beef. it was how i knew he was a boy. with my sweets craving, i thought girl, girl, girl. i will never know. i have come to terms with that though. i never thought i would, but we are made to persevere, right?

then there is what happens afterward. when do we start trying again? medically, some suggest two months. others say that you can try as soon as your hormones are okay. the big thing is mentally. they say wait until you know you are ready. well, we want our family to grow (a lot!) and another baby would be the biggest blessing, but can i handle the anxiety that comes with the first few months, so soon after losing one? you cannot feel the baby, so unless I buy a doppler, I won’t know if my baby is okay. if i do buy one, i cannot hear the heart beat with an at home doppler until about 9 weeks, right? for roughly the 5 1/2 weeks, i wouldn’t know. that kills me. it makes me scared.

but faith conquers all. when we are ready, i will not let fear conquer me. i will not let fear hold me back and hold me down. i will have faith in God’s plan for this family and i will trust. maybe my anxiety will be through the roof, but i will still have faith.

and faith conquers all.