i do not think you fully understand the differences between pregnancy before a miscarriage and pregnancy after a miscarriage until you really experience the whole pregnancy. you can assume that you’d have some of the basic fears of losing the baby again, but, if you are like me, you don’t expect it to last the entire pregnancy. i thought once we got to the “safe point” (about 12 weeks) I’d feel great. no. not true at all.
with parker, we had many scares. we had a doctor that assumed i had a disease that i did not have and told us i may not make it to twelve weeks. that fear was nothing compared to this. they found a foci on his heart and we had to get another ultrasound focusing on his heart. i started dilating very early too. my sister had a baby at thirty-one weeks and another at thirty-three and i feared the same with us.
but that is all nothing. maybe i have forgotten the fear because he was born healthy and happy.
the first fifteen weeks of this pregnancy were hell. not only was i sick, but i was going insane between appointments. i wanted to go to the doctor every day just to hear the heartbeat. i got lucky though, i got to SEE our baby move very early. those kicks are the most reassuring.
waiting for the eighteen week ultrasound felt like a life time. would they find an issue? would our dream crash again? it all sounds so dramatic, doesn’t it? i know i am not alone. i know that other women have been here and felt this. there is some comfort in knowing that, though i wish no one knew the pain. but we are never truly alone.
it did get easier. the more the wiggles came, the less my stress was. it felt great. the only difference was kick counting. they recommend it once in the morning, once at night. lay on your side, count the kicks. you need a certain amount in one hour to be considered normal.
i did it hourly. every hour of every day, i’d lay on my side and count my kicks. if i was out, i would sit with my hand on my belly, a bit disconnected from what was going on. if all kicks occurred in the first 15 minutes, great! i had 45 minutes until i had to do it again. sometimes, it took the whole hour. it was a very obsessive compulsive thing to do, but i found it so necessary and it helped soothe me.
these kick counts were detrimental though. i’d wake up at 12 am and count. sleep until 2 am and count. up again at 3:30 and count. i was up all hours of the night, counting and counting.
my toddler would wait patiently, but patience is not a toddlers forte. some days, he’d cuddle up and love it. other days, he’d be pulling me up and i’d get anxiety about the kicks. never really able to enjoy myself.
i had to let go. i had to trust God’s plan. this obsession was controlling me. i had to sit and tell myself that what happens will happen and i have no control. what would happen if i did not get my goal kick amount? of course i’d go to the emergency room, but, was there anything else to do? doctors don’t even have control.
i had to have faith. it is so difficult to focus on when in an upsetting situation, but it can change how you see everything. i have to put everything in HIS hands and trust HIM.
if you have experienced a miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy, how did you cope? what helped make the stress and anxiety easier?